Working Girl.

I have to work full time. THAT is a non negotiable state of affairs. Sometimes, that bums me out. I really like my job, so it's not like I'm dragging myself off somewhere I hate every single day. And when I really think about it, I don't think I'm suited to being home all the time. It would be fun for about a week, probably, and then I think I'd get really bored, really fast. If I had my optimum situation, I would work part time, or slightly less than part time, Maybe something in the 15-20 hours a week range. That would be ideal for me right now, because sometimes I feel like between work and Owen I have two full time jobs - (OH WAIT, I DO HAVE TWO FULL TIME JOBS!) and it's easy to feel like I'm doing neither of them well.

I am lucky in the sense that my job has given me the option of working either 5 eight hour days or 4 ten hour days, so I can be home with the baby on Fridays (like I am right this minute.) The obvious choice is the 4 ten hour days, right? Who wouldn't pick that! When I realized that option was available to me I jumped at it, and I've had that schedule for about 6 weeks now. It should be great for me. A whole extra day to get things done around the house, run errands, have playdates with my friends who are stay at home moms, and watch Owen try to chew through every electrical cord in the house, while still retaining my full time salary and benefits.

Except it's not really as great as it's cracked up to be. I LOVE being home Fridays, but it has created a nightmare for me at work. First of all, I don't really have a job that's suited to a 4 day week. I actually have a great deal of responsibility (relative to what I get paid, an absurd amount of responsibility. It's annoying.) And when I'm not there for 3 days, things invariably fall apart. Every Monday is a 10 (11, or 12) hour nightmare. Plus, I feel a lot of pressure to never screw up, ever, lest they take my Fridays off away. Also, I never really worked 40 hours to begin with - before the baby came I showed up a little before 8, and left around 5:30, five days a week - and that was barely enough time to get things done, despite the fact that I was a "40 hour" employee. Now, I get there around 7:40 and I try and leave by 6, I never take a lunch, and I am drowning in stuff to do.

But I want my Fridays, dammit! Every Monday I think "this is crazy. I need to just stop doing this and go back to my old schedule, and suck it up. Most people work five days a week. you should too." But just at the moment I decide to say something to my boss my brain rebels, and I don't do it. (Incidentally, that's the same exact thing that happens ever single day with nursing. I am so, so ready to stop. But some insane part of my brain is forcing me to continue. I am my own worst enemy)

So anyway, today I am home and the 4 day weeks seems like such a wonderful thing, I would be a fool to give it up. But on Monday, I know full well I will be cursing my existence.

I think I am losing my mind. Sigh.